It’s imperative for women—and men alike—to confront and address our traumas before entering into relationships. Unresolved traumas have a way of seeping into our relationships, often causing harm. Before loving someone else, choose to love yourself first. Face your traumas and be gentle with yourself. I emphasize this: be gentle with yourself. As women, we tend to be hard on ourselves. I know I am, with those persistent inner voices running 24/7. Some days, those voices are positive; on other days, they’re unkind. I’m an overthinker, and that’s one of my challenges.

We all carry different traumas, but one of the most common is dealing with “daddy issues.” Many of our relationships falter because of the absence of a father figure in our lives. We often unconsciously seek that fatherly presence in our partners. We’re likely to be drawn to men who resemble our fathers, trying to fill that void. Sometimes, we find twisted satisfaction in seeing someone else hurt because we’ve been hurt and disappointed for so long. Commitment may also be difficult because the attention of multiple partners feels like a temporary balm to the deeper wounds inside us. And sometimes, we cling to relationships out of fear—separation anxiety can make leaving feel impossible.

I was engaged at 20, and looking back, I can see that it was an impulsive decision. I noticed the red flags, yet I said yes. I won’t place all the blame on him—I have my own flaws. I chose to overlook those red flags, hoping he would change. But the issues only worsened, and I held on for far too long because it was all I knew. I was terrified of starting over because I couldn’t imagine life without him. Now, I’m grateful I made the decision to leave, because I was beginning to lose myself. And guess what? My life continued without him, and starting over wasn’t as terrifying as I thought. I put my trust in God, knowing that my story didn’t end there.

Never be afraid to start over. Find happiness within yourself before depending on someone else to bring you joy. Remember, you were your own person when he met you, and he likely fell in love with that person. Don’t let him change you, unless it’s bringing you closer to God. Let God be at the center of your relationship. It’s crucial to leave past traumas behind and focus on healing and bettering yourself, so the next person doesn’t suffer. And let’s not forget: communication is key in a relationship. It’s important to discuss these things with your partner so he can understand and support your healing process.

So, bestie, how do you deal with your past traumas?