I’ve been paying close attention to the messaging surrounding Women’s Day and Women’s Month. The focus, by and large, is on society acknowledging and embracing the virtues of womanhood—celebrating women for who they are, not just as mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, or side chicks, but as complete individuals in their own right.

As is often the case in discussions about gender equality, the question inevitably arises: “What about men? Where is Men’s Day?” Sure, Women’s Day commemorates the historic march to the Union Buildings to protest pass laws, but the significance of the holiday has evolved beyond that specific event. So, do men deserve a day of their own? Is there much to celebrate?

Then there’s the “Brothers For Life” campaign with its “Not in my name…” slogan. Lately, I’ve noticed a disconnect in how messaging about men and women is being executed. Women are celebrated for who and what they are, while men are celebrated for what they are not.

The Problem with Society’s Expectations

Society seems to be on a collective search for the ideal male—a “real man” who doesn’t rape, abuse, cheat, or steal. But does this mean that being a “real man” is simply about avoiding these negative behaviors? Meanwhile, a “real woman” is celebrated for what she does. If a man avoids these “unreal man” behaviors, is he automatically good to go?

Imagine you have two kids, a girl and a boy. How do you teach them to embody their gender identities? It can’t be based solely on what they shouldn’t do. The real question is, “How do men come into their manhood?” How do boys learn to model the kind of men they want to become? It can’t just be about what they should avoid. So, who is this perfect specimen of a man we’re all searching for? (And Tyler Perry, you can sit this one out—you’re not helping.)

The Elusive ‘Real Man’

Who is this man that guys aspire to be and women want to be with? It seems women have a clearer or more defined idea of who this guy is. As far as I can tell, the behaviors society criticizes in men are mostly criminal acts—rape, abuse, violence, neglecting child support. It’s actually illegal to be an “unreal man.” So, based on that, it should be pretty simple to be a “real man,” right? Just don’t be a criminal. Easy enough, no? No?

We’re not telling our boys how to be men; we’re just telling them not to be f*ck ups.

The Impact on Men’s Issues

What’s also interesting about these celebrations of women is that men are often judged in relation to how they treat women (and children). Women are celebrated in the context of womanhood itself, almost in a vacuum, while men are often defined by their roles as partners and providers. This approach inadvertently pushes men’s issues—those that men deal with outside of their relationships with women and children—into the background. These issues go ignored, and as they grow unchecked, they begin to manifest in those prescribed roles. When that happens, men are judged within the context of being abusers, irresponsible, or cowards.

Flaws and Perfection

We all understand that being human means being flawed. As we watch the ads, attend the men’s rallies, and listen to women dictate what kind of Idris Elba you should aspire to be, we have to ask: if the perfect man doesn’t actually exist, then what flaws are acceptable within the bounds of being a “real man”?

Writer: Vus Ngxande

Photographer: Adrian MacDonalds